I haven't written anything in a long time and don't even know if anyone reads this blog any more, but this writing today is to quench the fire in my belly.
Years ago I read Jeremiah and understood when he said he had to prophesy the Word that was in him. He said something like it would burn him up if he didn't. They threw him in a pit because they didn't want to hear. That would make a person shut up, wouldn't you think? But that fire won't let you be quiet.Sometimes we need to heed that fire within us even though those who hear it don't want to hear at all. I might add, I'm not comparing myself with any Old or New Testament prophet.
I've spent most of the last few years keeping quiet--except in a few circumstances. After the times when the fire bubbled up (Does fire bubble?) and the words came out, I beat myself up and vowed to never speak again. But I still have to speak when the Spirit moves.
Those of you who have heard words from me you don't agree with or don't want to hear, please know this. I don't want to offend you and would keep quiet if I could, but my prayers have been fervent for God to reveal Himself to people as He has in the past. Do I heed what is in me to speak or do I not? If I don't, I will get along better with some people who take exception to my words but the fire will burn me up. I might pull away and never speak of it again, but eventually someone else would come along with the same message because it's a message we need to hear.
Know this, all you who wish I'd shut up: I would if I could, but instead I've been praying for God to put His words in my mouth. Is that what He's doing? I think so. I just hope you'll love me enough to listen and ask God for yourself. The truth of the matter is that God is speaking to us all the time and we need to always be open to what He has to say--even when it doesn't agree with our theology. Listen. Test. Pray. Maybe He is doing a work in this earth we cannot imagine.
I love all you, my friends.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
I Want to Stay Positive
I love having company and having a nice place for them to stay.
One of our sons is here now with his family. They'll leave in the morning to spend some time in the mountains with her family then they'll come back Monday and fly home Tuesday. In the meantime, while they are gone, part of the CA son's family will come through on Saturday on their way to begin their move to Chicago. I'm so glad we have beds for them.
The first of October my brother and his wife will come spend some time with us and we're looking forward to that.
It's great to have another son living about three blocks away. We see the 5 grands more often now.
I'm more grateful than I used to be since I had the knee surgery. While in rehab I met some people who are way worse off than I ever thought about being. None of them were giving up.
I love family and friends and God. I hope I'm never as negative as I used to be. I just want to always be grateful.
One of our sons is here now with his family. They'll leave in the morning to spend some time in the mountains with her family then they'll come back Monday and fly home Tuesday. In the meantime, while they are gone, part of the CA son's family will come through on Saturday on their way to begin their move to Chicago. I'm so glad we have beds for them.
The first of October my brother and his wife will come spend some time with us and we're looking forward to that.
It's great to have another son living about three blocks away. We see the 5 grands more often now.
I'm more grateful than I used to be since I had the knee surgery. While in rehab I met some people who are way worse off than I ever thought about being. None of them were giving up.
I love family and friends and God. I hope I'm never as negative as I used to be. I just want to always be grateful.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Slacker
I've been reading my second cousin's book, "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker." A great read that really hits me where it needs to.
Not only am I a prayer slacker, I'm a blog slacker.
I wish I'd write some of the things that are rolling around in my spirit.
Maybe soon.
Not only am I a prayer slacker, I'm a blog slacker.
I wish I'd write some of the things that are rolling around in my spirit.
Maybe soon.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Resting and Trusting Part 2
I've really been frustrated since getting out of the hospital. My knee is doing great. I'm able to walk, sit, stand, move--all without pain. The one thing I can't do is sleep.
I took a sleeping pill tonight, but still not luck. It's after midnight and I'm awake. The little bit of sleep I get is fitful which leaves my groggy and without energy during the day.
I'm reading a great book that's really speaking to me. It was written my a relative, Diane Moody, and is titled "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker." I love the way she writes--some humor but lots of good advice. I remember when my entire life was spent reading the Word and spending time with Jesus. I didn't read novels or watch TV. I had no interest. All I wanted to do was be with Him. But I let life get in the way and to be honest, my first love waned.
I remember how He spoke to me. So close. So sweet. I want that again and Diane's book is drawing me back into His presence again. What's stopping me? Sleep. I get up in the morning with little on my mind besides eating and doing what I have to do. I don't want to read or pray or anything
else. My mind is mush.
I don't know when this will end and I will be able to sleep again. I'm changing my diet in hopes of helping sleep to come. That's pretty easy since I'm about half sick at my stomach most of the time and don't feel like eating but needing to.
The first thing Diane says she does is thank God instead of beginning with the gimmies. So that's how I will begin. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me through this surgery and for healing me so quickly. Thank you for Reid who took care of me without compaining ever. He was there for me every step of the way and still is. The biggest thank you goes to You, Lord. I know you know where I am and what I need and you are in the process of working all this out for me.
There. Is there anything else to say about me? No. I'll just go into prayer for others. Maybe when I get through that I can thank Him more for all I have. Maybe this prayer won't have any gimmies. Maybe this is just one more instance where I rest and trust Him.
I took a sleeping pill tonight, but still not luck. It's after midnight and I'm awake. The little bit of sleep I get is fitful which leaves my groggy and without energy during the day.
I'm reading a great book that's really speaking to me. It was written my a relative, Diane Moody, and is titled "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker." I love the way she writes--some humor but lots of good advice. I remember when my entire life was spent reading the Word and spending time with Jesus. I didn't read novels or watch TV. I had no interest. All I wanted to do was be with Him. But I let life get in the way and to be honest, my first love waned.
I remember how He spoke to me. So close. So sweet. I want that again and Diane's book is drawing me back into His presence again. What's stopping me? Sleep. I get up in the morning with little on my mind besides eating and doing what I have to do. I don't want to read or pray or anything
else. My mind is mush.
I don't know when this will end and I will be able to sleep again. I'm changing my diet in hopes of helping sleep to come. That's pretty easy since I'm about half sick at my stomach most of the time and don't feel like eating but needing to.
The first thing Diane says she does is thank God instead of beginning with the gimmies. So that's how I will begin. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me through this surgery and for healing me so quickly. Thank you for Reid who took care of me without compaining ever. He was there for me every step of the way and still is. The biggest thank you goes to You, Lord. I know you know where I am and what I need and you are in the process of working all this out for me.
There. Is there anything else to say about me? No. I'll just go into prayer for others. Maybe when I get through that I can thank Him more for all I have. Maybe this prayer won't have any gimmies. Maybe this is just one more instance where I rest and trust Him.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Following and Resting
I've been thinking about blogging again for some time. The last time I did was before surgery. Much has happened since then, but the main thing that has happened has been in me.
Having surgery is a big deal. You are totally without any power and are at the mercy of many people you've never seen before and will never see again. You can pray that both the surgeon who will be wielding the knife and the anethesiologist had a good night's sleep.
The night before the surgery I had a song inside of me. Every time I woke up the song began to play. "Saviour, He can move the mountains. He is mighty to save, mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation. Mighty to save. Mighty to save." I bathed in this song all night long. On the way to the hospital the next morning I mentioned this to Husband. He said he'd heard that song all night, too. That gave me a certain sense of peace.
In pre-op Doctor Son and Grandson showed up. So did Friend Couple. Several friends were outside in the waiting room. These four people were in the room when the anethesiologist came in to begin administering the drugs that would help me forget. I was told that very soon after he did that I started singing "Mighty to Save." They all sang with me. I wish I could remember that.
I was supposed to go home on the third day after surgery but couldn't. Too many drugs took away my ability to sit up without throwing up. I remember lying in that bed and listening as Husband was told they were planning to send me to a nursing home for rehab. I thought, "I can't fight, Lord. It's all up to you."
Hubby fought and I went to a real rehab hospital. That was God Instance #1.
They planned to send me sitting up in a wheelchair but I couldn't sit up. God Instance #2: I went by ambulance.
Both of these were not supposed to be covered by insurance. So far we haven't received bills.
God Instance #3: Rehab got me on my feet, strengthened me and made me able to take care of myself. I came home after 13 days.
I see how much God had it worked out ahead of time. Nothing I did or could do would make anything happen. I had to rest in Him.
Jesus has walked this way before us. He knows the way. I realized how little control I have over my life and how little I want. Since He's been here before, I want to do one thing. Follow Him.
I hope I remember to rest in Him and don't try to take hold of the reins again.
Having surgery is a big deal. You are totally without any power and are at the mercy of many people you've never seen before and will never see again. You can pray that both the surgeon who will be wielding the knife and the anethesiologist had a good night's sleep.
The night before the surgery I had a song inside of me. Every time I woke up the song began to play. "Saviour, He can move the mountains. He is mighty to save, mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation. Mighty to save. Mighty to save." I bathed in this song all night long. On the way to the hospital the next morning I mentioned this to Husband. He said he'd heard that song all night, too. That gave me a certain sense of peace.
In pre-op Doctor Son and Grandson showed up. So did Friend Couple. Several friends were outside in the waiting room. These four people were in the room when the anethesiologist came in to begin administering the drugs that would help me forget. I was told that very soon after he did that I started singing "Mighty to Save." They all sang with me. I wish I could remember that.
I was supposed to go home on the third day after surgery but couldn't. Too many drugs took away my ability to sit up without throwing up. I remember lying in that bed and listening as Husband was told they were planning to send me to a nursing home for rehab. I thought, "I can't fight, Lord. It's all up to you."
Hubby fought and I went to a real rehab hospital. That was God Instance #1.
They planned to send me sitting up in a wheelchair but I couldn't sit up. God Instance #2: I went by ambulance.
Both of these were not supposed to be covered by insurance. So far we haven't received bills.
God Instance #3: Rehab got me on my feet, strengthened me and made me able to take care of myself. I came home after 13 days.
I see how much God had it worked out ahead of time. Nothing I did or could do would make anything happen. I had to rest in Him.
Jesus has walked this way before us. He knows the way. I realized how little control I have over my life and how little I want. Since He's been here before, I want to do one thing. Follow Him.
I hope I remember to rest in Him and don't try to take hold of the reins again.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Musings
Here I sit in the middle of the night not sleeping AGAIN! I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the nap I took today or the Frito pie and watermelon I ate at our life group. Or maybe it's the upcoming surgery. Since I'm awake I will share some thoughts that are rolling round in my head.
I love my church family. I'm sad for them because we're going through some unsettling times in our church. I think we are looking at the temporal instead of the heavenly. All I want for myself is to know Jesus, and that's what I wish for everyone. If He is first in our lives and in our desires, everything will fall into place. But is He? I don't know.
We have a good friend who is now going to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life. He and his wife have some big adjustments to make. They've lost control of their lives. But did they ever have control really? We think we do, don't we? Since January I have realized what I thought was control was anything but. If I don't have control, then who does? I like to think it's God who's in control of my life. But I'm not even sure of that any more. I am sure of this: I give Him control. And if something happens that is catastrophic, then I ask Him to get me through it.
I have to admit I'm a little anxious about putting myself in the hands of men and women I don't really know. They'll give me drugs that will put me out so some more of them can cut my leg apart and insert some metal. I won't know what's happening and I'll be totally at their mercy. But mostly at God's mercy.
Youngest Daughter called today and said she wondered if she should be watching her mail box for my "good bye letter." I told her she can relax. I didn't write any. I've written a few good bye letters in the past. I wrote one to both daughters a couple of times when I took off in my car to drive somewhere and when I flew across the ocean the first time. When I got back home safely, I threw them away. No letters this time.
Something else happened today that seems a little silly. We have a couple who are our close friends. They didn't show up at church, which was unusual. I sent him a text about where we and another couple were going for lunch and asked if they'd join us. I got no answer. After church I called his cell phone. He's is NEVER without his I-phone. No answer. I called their house. No answer. I called her phone. No answer. I called his phone again and left a message.
My mind went into the What If Mother Mode. Maybe one of them had gotten sick and they were both at the hospital where they couldn't use their phones. Or they'd had a wreck on the way to church. Or something had happened to one of their children and they took off for Texas and were in a cell phone dead zone. Seriously. I was worried. My girls and my brother will attest to how my mind goes into a scary place when I can't get in touch with them. And it happened with my friends. I was just about to call one of their daughters when he FINALLY called and put my mind at rest.
I care about those I'm close to. I worry and know that's a sin. I tell myself I'm not going to do that, but out of nowhere my mind goes berserk. I don't really expect my friends to tell me every time they don't do what I think they're going to do, but this time the Sin of Worry demon got to me. I apologize to them right here and hope I don't do that to them any more. However, I will ask that they just ANSWER THEIR PHONE!
I read this on a blog today: Here is God's secret to spiritual strength: "Quietness and confidence shall be your strength." The word for quietness in Hebrew means "repose." And repose means calm, relaxed, free from all anxiety; to be still, to lie down with support underneath. God help me do this!!!
What did we do before we had instant communication? We called back or let it go. I can tell you this. I'm grateful we didn't have cell phones when I was growing up. My mother would have been calling every hour.
Now I see it. I have become my mother!
I love my church family. I'm sad for them because we're going through some unsettling times in our church. I think we are looking at the temporal instead of the heavenly. All I want for myself is to know Jesus, and that's what I wish for everyone. If He is first in our lives and in our desires, everything will fall into place. But is He? I don't know.
We have a good friend who is now going to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life. He and his wife have some big adjustments to make. They've lost control of their lives. But did they ever have control really? We think we do, don't we? Since January I have realized what I thought was control was anything but. If I don't have control, then who does? I like to think it's God who's in control of my life. But I'm not even sure of that any more. I am sure of this: I give Him control. And if something happens that is catastrophic, then I ask Him to get me through it.
I have to admit I'm a little anxious about putting myself in the hands of men and women I don't really know. They'll give me drugs that will put me out so some more of them can cut my leg apart and insert some metal. I won't know what's happening and I'll be totally at their mercy. But mostly at God's mercy.
Youngest Daughter called today and said she wondered if she should be watching her mail box for my "good bye letter." I told her she can relax. I didn't write any. I've written a few good bye letters in the past. I wrote one to both daughters a couple of times when I took off in my car to drive somewhere and when I flew across the ocean the first time. When I got back home safely, I threw them away. No letters this time.
Something else happened today that seems a little silly. We have a couple who are our close friends. They didn't show up at church, which was unusual. I sent him a text about where we and another couple were going for lunch and asked if they'd join us. I got no answer. After church I called his cell phone. He's is NEVER without his I-phone. No answer. I called their house. No answer. I called her phone. No answer. I called his phone again and left a message.
My mind went into the What If Mother Mode. Maybe one of them had gotten sick and they were both at the hospital where they couldn't use their phones. Or they'd had a wreck on the way to church. Or something had happened to one of their children and they took off for Texas and were in a cell phone dead zone. Seriously. I was worried. My girls and my brother will attest to how my mind goes into a scary place when I can't get in touch with them. And it happened with my friends. I was just about to call one of their daughters when he FINALLY called and put my mind at rest.
I care about those I'm close to. I worry and know that's a sin. I tell myself I'm not going to do that, but out of nowhere my mind goes berserk. I don't really expect my friends to tell me every time they don't do what I think they're going to do, but this time the Sin of Worry demon got to me. I apologize to them right here and hope I don't do that to them any more. However, I will ask that they just ANSWER THEIR PHONE!
I read this on a blog today: Here is God's secret to spiritual strength: "Quietness and confidence shall be your strength." The word for quietness in Hebrew means "repose." And repose means calm, relaxed, free from all anxiety; to be still, to lie down with support underneath. God help me do this!!!
What did we do before we had instant communication? We called back or let it go. I can tell you this. I'm grateful we didn't have cell phones when I was growing up. My mother would have been calling every hour.
Now I see it. I have become my mother!
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Plan B and the Knee
I've been thinking about what to write all day. A few ideas have come and gone. What really perturbs me is the total lack of creativeness since all I can think of is this stupid knee!
This morning I tried to dust. I had no idea how much I use my knees to dust! I did a room or two and will save the rest for later.
Next Tuesday is Knee Day. I will have a total replacement. Months of rehab then I will be back to normal. I'm not sure I know how to walk normally any more. Surely that knowledge doesn't go away in just 4 1/2 months.
The book I'm reading now is by Pete Wilson, the pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville. It's titled "Plan B" and subtitled "What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" A shorter subtitle is "What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you thought?"
I am grateful to my cousin's daughter who turned me on to this book, and I'm grateful to Pete for writing it. Most of all I'm grateful to the Holy Spirit who gave the words and thoughts for this book and somehow had it on the shelf at Border's when I looked for it. Why? Because I'm living in Plan B and have been for a long time only I didn't know it. This book tells me how to do it.
On the first page Pete sends this book out to those "who choose to believe in the midst of their Plan B that one day faith will win over doubt, light will win over darkness, love will win over hate, and all things will be redeemed and exist the way they should."
I'm not even sure what Plan A was any more. I expected to be in a different place than I am today. I expected my children to be in a different place. What I found out was that all my expectations don't matter a hoot when life gets going. How can one child meet the expectations and the other child be so far from them? How can a few years and some serious road blocks change a person's life?
I have many more questions today than I have answers. It used to be the other way. I had many answers and few questions. But those answers I was so sure of have fizzled. I'm only sure of one thing.
Jesus.
Without knowing Him and that I'm now in God's family because of Him, I'd never make it through this day and into the next.
Years ago, after leaving Plan A and not knowing if there was a Plan B, Jesus told me, "I'll never leave you or forsake you." In fact, while I was in the darkness between the Plans, He was there with me. I didn't know it then, but after what He said, now I know He's with me in this place, too. And wherever it leads.
I haven't had surgery since 1978. I didn't think about dying back then. Now I do. What if I don't wake up this time? I expect to wake up, but what if I don't? Where will I be? I think the scripture teaches that we sleep and wake up when Jesus returns. I don't like that--years, centuries of being nowhere? But time to God is nothing. If we die and sleep, we don't remember sleeping and being nowhere because in the instant between death and awaking in His Presence, it is that--an instant. And maybe we go straight to be with Him. Whatever He decides is all right with me.
Okay. I think I'll be all right. If I didn't think that, I'd be writing last letters to everyone I love. If you don't get one from me and I don't wake up, I want you to know I love you and am thankful you were in my life. But I'll wake up and have to go on living in Plan B, which, by the way, hasn't been all that bad so far.
In a couple of weeks I'll limp into the office and send out an email telling you all about my new knee and rehab and what it was like being in the hospital. At least it will give me something to write about. The next thing I want to do is get back into the writing mode. Surely all those books haven't gone by the wayside?
I'll let you know.
This morning I tried to dust. I had no idea how much I use my knees to dust! I did a room or two and will save the rest for later.
Next Tuesday is Knee Day. I will have a total replacement. Months of rehab then I will be back to normal. I'm not sure I know how to walk normally any more. Surely that knowledge doesn't go away in just 4 1/2 months.
The book I'm reading now is by Pete Wilson, the pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville. It's titled "Plan B" and subtitled "What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" A shorter subtitle is "What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you thought?"
I am grateful to my cousin's daughter who turned me on to this book, and I'm grateful to Pete for writing it. Most of all I'm grateful to the Holy Spirit who gave the words and thoughts for this book and somehow had it on the shelf at Border's when I looked for it. Why? Because I'm living in Plan B and have been for a long time only I didn't know it. This book tells me how to do it.
On the first page Pete sends this book out to those "who choose to believe in the midst of their Plan B that one day faith will win over doubt, light will win over darkness, love will win over hate, and all things will be redeemed and exist the way they should."
I'm not even sure what Plan A was any more. I expected to be in a different place than I am today. I expected my children to be in a different place. What I found out was that all my expectations don't matter a hoot when life gets going. How can one child meet the expectations and the other child be so far from them? How can a few years and some serious road blocks change a person's life?
I have many more questions today than I have answers. It used to be the other way. I had many answers and few questions. But those answers I was so sure of have fizzled. I'm only sure of one thing.
Jesus.
Without knowing Him and that I'm now in God's family because of Him, I'd never make it through this day and into the next.
Years ago, after leaving Plan A and not knowing if there was a Plan B, Jesus told me, "I'll never leave you or forsake you." In fact, while I was in the darkness between the Plans, He was there with me. I didn't know it then, but after what He said, now I know He's with me in this place, too. And wherever it leads.
I haven't had surgery since 1978. I didn't think about dying back then. Now I do. What if I don't wake up this time? I expect to wake up, but what if I don't? Where will I be? I think the scripture teaches that we sleep and wake up when Jesus returns. I don't like that--years, centuries of being nowhere? But time to God is nothing. If we die and sleep, we don't remember sleeping and being nowhere because in the instant between death and awaking in His Presence, it is that--an instant. And maybe we go straight to be with Him. Whatever He decides is all right with me.
Okay. I think I'll be all right. If I didn't think that, I'd be writing last letters to everyone I love. If you don't get one from me and I don't wake up, I want you to know I love you and am thankful you were in my life. But I'll wake up and have to go on living in Plan B, which, by the way, hasn't been all that bad so far.
In a couple of weeks I'll limp into the office and send out an email telling you all about my new knee and rehab and what it was like being in the hospital. At least it will give me something to write about. The next thing I want to do is get back into the writing mode. Surely all those books haven't gone by the wayside?
I'll let you know.
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