I'm Off-Balance

The thoughts are coming fast right now. I don't know what's up but I'm going with it.

When I went to bed last night, I had a heaviness to pray, but did I get up and go do it? No. I've had such trouble sleeping lately that I don't want anything to interfere. The days following sleepless nights leave me tired and grumpy. So I stayed in bed and prayed--but it wasn't the same as it would have been if I had gone into another bedroom, gotten down on my knees and prayed. Finally the heaviness left me and I still didn't go to sleep until 2 AM.

I'm so hungry for Jesus right now. I remember having this kind of hunger in 1971 when I met Him for the first time. I spent every free moment praying and reading the Bible. I couldn't get enough.

Although I'm that hungry again there is also a malaise in me. Why bother? I'm stuck in a place where I don't know anyone who believes like I do or talks about spiritual things or desires to pray together in the Spirit or allow the gifts of the Spirit to freely move. I ask God all the time if I'm the one who is wrong or out of place. I know I need to listen to the Spirit within me and take time to pray more than I have been doing. I talk to God all the time and I do pray, but I don't go away like Jesus did--get away and commune with my Father.

I love the church we are in. I love the people and love their pure hearts. So it isn't like I want to move or leave. I see that many of the people are wanting more. In fact I believe there's a move of Spirit in this fellowship, and I don't want to miss it.

Perhaps that's what I'm feeling--change. And change always leaves us off balance. Come on, Lord. Lead us into the new place.

Fall Musings

Beautiful fall day here in New Mexico. The front and back doors are open, I've decorated the front porch and the house with fall colors, scarecrows, etc. I'll leave all this up until time for Christmas decorations. Even if no one comes to the house, we can enjoy it.

The Balloon Fiesta begins the first weekend in October. If the fall weather holds, it will be a huge success. If you've never been in Albuquerque and seen hundreds of colorful balloons rise around you and into the bluest sky in the world, you've missed something wonderful. One of our neighbors is a balloonist. He's out this morning with two chase vans getting his balloon(s) ready to fly. I imagine we'll be seeing a lot of balloons up this next week getting ready for the fiesta.

If you ever have the opportunity to take a little trip, make it to Albuquerque during the first two weeks in October. The weather, the balloons, Old Town and the great places to eat make for a vacation to remember.

I guess you can tell I'm sold on where we live. I love all of it. I may complain about a few things here and there, but I know we are where we are supposed to be. If for no other reason than to plant seeds. Isn't that what we're to be doing wherever we are?

Another great reason, or reasons, to be here are 5 grandchildren. We are within a 10 minute walk to their house. Seeing them grow up is a blessing. But not being able to see all 13 grands and the 1 great grand is frustrating. Why do people move so far away from family all the time? Back in the "day" families lived in the same area all their lives. They were able to know their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents because they all got together every holiday.

Although that's great, I wouldn't trade living back in the "day" with now. I like all the modern conveniences: the Internet, television, washing machines and dryers, daily showers, cell phones, automobiles, restaurants. However, I'm planning a book I want to write that's set in the 1700s, and I don't know much about that time period. Thank goodness for the Internet. It will save me a trip to the library and reading numerous books to get my information. However, with our busy schedule, who knows when I'll get it done.

Happy Fall Day to you all. Enjoy God's blessings today and come visit the Balloon Fiesta sometime. We have a spare bedroom ready for you.

Fire in My Belly

I haven't written anything in a long time and don't even know if anyone reads this blog any more, but this writing today is to quench the fire in my belly.

Years ago I read Jeremiah and understood when he said he had to prophesy the Word that was in him. He said something like it would burn him up if he didn't. They threw him in a pit because they didn't want to hear. That would make a person shut up, wouldn't you think? But that fire won't let you be quiet.Sometimes we need to heed that fire within us even though those who hear it don't want to hear at all. I might add, I'm not comparing myself with any Old or New Testament prophet.

I've spent most of the last few years keeping quiet--except in a few circumstances. After the times when the fire bubbled up (Does fire bubble?) and the words came out, I beat myself up and vowed to never speak again. But I still have to speak when the Spirit moves.

Those of you who have heard words from me you don't agree with or don't want to hear, please know this. I don't want to offend you and would keep quiet if I could, but my prayers have been fervent for God to reveal Himself to people as He has in the past. Do I heed what is in me to speak or do I not? If I don't, I will get along better with some people who take exception to my words but the fire will burn me up. I might pull away and never speak of it again, but eventually someone else would come along with the same message because it's a message we need to hear.

Know this, all you who wish I'd shut up: I would if I could, but instead I've been praying for God to put His words in my mouth. Is that what He's doing? I think so. I just hope you'll love me enough to listen and ask God for yourself. The truth of the matter is that God is speaking to us all the time and we need to always be open to what He has to say--even when it doesn't agree with our theology. Listen. Test. Pray. Maybe He is doing a work in this earth we cannot imagine.

I love all you, my friends.

I Want to Stay Positive

I love having company and having a nice place for them to stay.

One of our sons is here now with his family. They'll leave in the morning to spend some time in the mountains with her family then they'll come back Monday and fly home Tuesday. In the meantime, while they are gone, part of the CA son's family will come through on Saturday on their way to begin their move to Chicago. I'm so glad we have beds for them.

The first of October my brother and his wife will come spend some time with us and we're looking forward to that.

It's great to have another son living about three blocks away. We see the 5 grands more often now.

I'm more grateful than I used to be since I had the knee surgery. While in rehab I met some people who are way worse off than I ever thought about being. None of them were giving up.

I love family and friends and God. I hope I'm never as negative as I used to be. I just want to always be grateful.

Slacker

I've been reading my second cousin's book, "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker." A great read that really hits me where it needs to.

Not only am I a prayer slacker, I'm a blog slacker.

I wish I'd write some of the things that are rolling around in my spirit.
Maybe soon.

Resting and Trusting Part 2

I've really been frustrated since getting out of the hospital. My knee is doing great. I'm able to walk, sit, stand, move--all without pain. The one thing I can't do is sleep.

I took a sleeping pill tonight, but still not luck. It's after midnight and I'm awake. The little bit of sleep I get is fitful which leaves my groggy and without energy during the day.

I'm reading a great book that's really speaking to me. It was written my a relative, Diane Moody, and is titled "Confessions of a Prayer Slacker." I love the way she writes--some humor but lots of good advice. I remember when my entire life was spent reading the Word and spending time with Jesus. I didn't read novels or watch TV. I had no interest. All I wanted to do was be with Him. But I let life get in the way and to be honest, my first love waned.

I remember how He spoke to me. So close. So sweet. I want that again and Diane's book is drawing me back into His presence again. What's stopping me? Sleep. I get up in the morning with little on my mind besides eating and doing what I have to do. I don't want to read or pray or anything
else. My mind is mush.

I don't know when this will end and I will be able to sleep again. I'm changing my diet in hopes of helping sleep to come. That's pretty easy since I'm about half sick at my stomach most of the time and don't feel like eating but needing to.

The first thing Diane says she does is thank God instead of beginning with the gimmies. So that's how I will begin. Thank you, Lord, for bringing me through this surgery and for healing me so quickly. Thank you for Reid who took care of me without compaining ever. He was there for me every step of the way and still is. The biggest thank you goes to You, Lord. I know you know where I am and what I need and you are in the process of working all this out for me.

There. Is there anything else to say about me? No. I'll just go into prayer for others. Maybe when I get through that I can thank Him more for all I have. Maybe this prayer won't have any gimmies. Maybe this is just one more instance where I rest and trust Him.

Following and Resting

I've been thinking about blogging again for some time. The last time I did was before surgery. Much has happened since then, but the main thing that has happened has been in me.

Having surgery is a big deal. You are totally without any power and are at the mercy of many people you've never seen before and will never see again. You can pray that both the surgeon who will be wielding the knife and the anethesiologist had a good night's sleep.

The night before the surgery I had a song inside of me. Every time I woke up the song began to play. "Saviour, He can move the mountains. He is mighty to save, mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation. Mighty to save. Mighty to save." I bathed in this song all night long. On the way to the hospital the next morning I mentioned this to Husband. He said he'd heard that song all night, too. That gave me a certain sense of peace.

In pre-op Doctor Son and Grandson showed up. So did Friend Couple. Several friends were outside in the waiting room. These four people were in the room when the anethesiologist came in to begin administering the drugs that would help me forget. I was told that very soon after he did that I started singing "Mighty to Save." They all sang with me. I wish I could remember that.

I was supposed to go home on the third day after surgery but couldn't. Too many drugs took away my ability to sit up without throwing up. I remember lying in that bed and listening as Husband was told they were planning to send me to a nursing home for rehab. I thought, "I can't fight, Lord. It's all up to you."

Hubby fought and I went to a real rehab hospital. That was God Instance #1.

They planned to send me sitting up in a wheelchair but I couldn't sit up. God Instance #2: I went by ambulance.

Both of these were not supposed to be covered by insurance. So far we haven't received bills.

God Instance #3: Rehab got me on my feet, strengthened me and made me able to take care of myself. I came home after 13 days.

I see how much God had it worked out ahead of time. Nothing I did or could do would make anything happen. I had to rest in Him.

Jesus has walked this way before us. He knows the way. I realized how little control I have over my life and how little I want. Since He's been here before, I want to do one thing. Follow Him.

I hope I remember to rest in Him and don't try to take hold of the reins again.