Waiting for the Sugar

I've thought about whether I should write about this, but since it's pretty heavy on my heart, I think I will.

I have a friend whose son was away from home for years. She had no idea where he was most of that time. One day he "came to his senses" (just like the prodigal son) and went home. Today he's doing great.

One of my daughters is "away from home." She wouldn't see it that way, of course. I know where she is, and she says she is happy and in the best place she's ever been in her life. Maybe she's right. All I know is that she and I aren't able to communicate any more. She's my first born and was wanted more than I thought possible. I didn't see her for a while after she was born. She was whisked off to the nursery, cleaned up, weighed, etc. before they brought her to me. I can still see her face as she looked into my eyes and I looked into hers. It was like we were seeing into each other's souls.

I've always felt that way about her. She and I have been able to talk on deep levels, and we agree in many ways on what we believe and how we feel about situations. But everything has changed with us. We can't seem to find a place of understanding now. Just talking to her and thinking about her causes me so much stress that I've had to stop calling her and trying to talk. And it hurts like hell. I miss her.

Maybe this is the way it should be. It's really hard to see it clearly since I'm in the midst of it. I don't think we were "co-dependent" or that I was too involved in her life. My desire for her has always been that she find her own way and her own happiness, and I've stood back so she can do it. But, even when she was doing that, we were able to talk. God spoke to me once about loving her unconditionally, and I've done that--still do. He hasn't told me to do anything else about this. So I just have to live through it, like my friend did when her son was away from home. I don't know how she did it. At least I know where my daughter is and that she isn't on drugs or drinking.

It's strange to even write about this so that other people can read it, but I felt it was necessary for this reason. Life doesn't hand us cherries all the time. A lot of the time we get lemons. Many times when we get those lemons, we think that's the end, then God comes along and adds some sugar--sugar that was always there, and we just couldn't see it.

When life gets us down, that's when we have to look up and wait for the sugar. I'm waiting for the sugar right now.