Night Musing

I am sitting here in the dead of night writing a blog when I should be sleeping. Aches and pains and who knows what else are keeping me awake.

I see the orthopedist tomorrow. That means I'm one day closer to getting the knee fixed. Today was one of the hardest I've had since all this began four months ago. Slow, painful, short steps. Leaning on my cane. Exhausting. I am sure surgery isn't a piece of cake but getting a knee replacement will mean some day being able to walk without pain.

When I start to feel sorry for myself, like right now, I have to remember how minuscule my problem is. Many people are battling cancer. Some are facing a lifetime in a wheelchair. Lots of worse things than knee pain.

I've asked God over and over what it is I'm supposed to be learning in this. Patience? I'm all right with that but I'm not sure I'm any more patient than I ever was.

I'm thinking the main thing I've learned is this. We may think we have control over our lives but we don't. The only part of control we have is our reaction to what happens in our lives.

A two year old says, "I can do it myself." And that's the way I've been. Hands on hips, jaw jutted out, lips pressed together. "I don't need any help because I can take care of myself." Well, think again, Me. You can't.

I have learned how to ask for help and gratefully take it. This morning a young kid who had been outside the church with a friend riding their skateboards stopped and opened the door for me. I profusely thanked him. That's just one instance of how courteous people have been as I struggle to walk. I will never again complain about the slowness of old people who are moving as fast as they can in front of me and stopping my forward motion. I think, if I can, I'll pick them up and carry them just like I sometimes wish someone would do for me. But they'd probably do exactly what I'd do in that situation. "Thanks, but I can do it." And one way or another we do manage on our own. Not always fast, but we figure out a way.

I can walk with my cane and with pain. I'll get there eventually, but if someone wants to help, I'll gladly step aside and let them. I'm so blessed to have a husband who is not only willing but anxious to do things for me. All I have to do is ask.

Is God that way, too? Is he willing and anxious to answer our prayers when we find out we are helpless to do whatever it is by ourselves? Is the only thing we have to do is ask? I think so. Instead of asking for healing, my prayer has been for the grace to go through whatever I have to go through. The second part of that prayer is that God will teach me something while I'm in it and change me into His image.

I don't see any sign that I'm different yet, but my trust is in Him that somehow, He will do it. I think there's a scripture that says something about when he chooses us for a good work we can trust Him to finish it. If it wasn't so dark I'd look it up. Guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. Right now I'm going back to bed.