I've fought with being overweight all my life. However, most of my life I wasn't but saw myself as fat. Now I really am. (We become what we look at the most.)
In 1973 I almost quit eating because of stress. I got very thin and loved it, but hated the stress that went with it. When I look back at pictures of myself during that time, I see how gaunt I really looked--not just thin but prisoner-thin. That's exactly what I was: a prisoner of the stress.
Fast forward to the 80s. I was happy in life, began eating lots of sugar products and gained 30 pounds. No matter what I tried I couldn't lose the excess weight.
In a book store one day I saw the title of a book by Neva Coyle: "There's More to Being Thin Than Just Being Thin." What that book was telling me was that losing weight wasn't about looking good (which was my motive and has always been.) The moral of the book was "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and His Righteousness and all these things will be added unto you."
I've got those words down pat in the KJ version.
I did what Neva told me and started counting calories. Every month I lost 5 pounds until I had lost 20 pounds. I was satisfied with this becauseI knew this was a good weight for me.
FF again to the 90s. My health practioner discovered I had a real problem with eating carbs, starches, sugar. When I ate them, my system went into flight or fight mode and didn't slow down which caused me to be unable to sleep. I went on a strict sugar/starch-free diet and lost weight again.
I stayed on that diet until this past year but steadily gained weight--a few pounds at a time. I felt fat and saw myself as fat although, when I look back, I was a good weight for my age.
I started drinking white oak bark tea and my body began to tolerate sugar/carbs/starches. My knee went out and I had to walk with a cane; we sold our house and had no place to live while the rental we planned to move
into was being rennovated; we moved into a furnished apartment for a month and spent that month choosing colors/flooring/etc. for the rental. The stress took its toll and the only way I could bring it under control was to eat--and eat, I did.
During one month I gained 40 pounds and it's is still on my body. I'm like Job in that "the thing I feared the most has come upon me."
I talk to God about it all the time--and continue to eat. I like being able to eat things I couldn't for so many years. These foods are still toxic to my body and still cause sleeplessness unless I take a drug that makes me go to sleep. Some nights even that doesn't help.
I'm reading a book ("Sun Stand Still") about praying impossible prayers. I've been praying that God will make the impossible possible for me--and that's to stop the eating, walk more and lose weight. But there's a problem--my motive.
This morning I read from the Living Bible the same words that turned me around so many years ago. The thought is the same but the words are much different. The message begins: "Don't worry about whether you have enough food to eat or clothes to wear, for life consists of far more than food and clothes. . .All mankind scratches for its daily bread, but your heavenly Father knows your needs. He will always give you all you need from day to day if you will make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. . .Wherever your treasure is, there your heart and thoughts will also be." Luke 12:22-34
Where is my treasure? Is it in being thin or is it in being disciplined? Is it in looking good or trusting God with my life? How do I change my motive and go after the real treasure? I've asked God to help me turn in the right direction--again. And He will answer--again. That much I know.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Life in the Wilderness
We moved last May from a house we loved and views that thrilled our hearts with the majesty of the Lord's creation. Our house now is across town where we can see neither of the two views we loved: the Sandia Mountains and the lights of the city at night.
I've tried to be a "good soldier" and be grateful for this house. It's a nice house, and I do like it, but I found myself looking back with longing. God heard me, of course, and reminded me of an event we've all read about in the Old Testament of the Bible.
The Israelites were in the wilderness with God and they were looking over their shoulders at Egypt. That's what came to my mind and the sweet, still voice of the Spirit said, "Don't look back at Egypt."
I never thought of my house on the east side of town as Egypt, and it wasn't because God was there. But when He directed us to pack up and follow Him, that home became our Egypt. Nothing wrong with it, but it was time to move on.
The wilderness is where God was and the Israelites didn't get it. They saw the cloud by day and the fire by night and still didn't understand. They were on their way to the Promised Land but looking backwards and not recognizing Who was leading them kept them in the wilderness 40 years longer than necessary.
I'm not looking back any more. If God's in the wilderness, then that's where I want to be. I don't know what the Promised Land is, but as long as He's leading, that's where I'll end up. It's not really about the destination anyway. It's about the journey.
I've tried to be a "good soldier" and be grateful for this house. It's a nice house, and I do like it, but I found myself looking back with longing. God heard me, of course, and reminded me of an event we've all read about in the Old Testament of the Bible.
The Israelites were in the wilderness with God and they were looking over their shoulders at Egypt. That's what came to my mind and the sweet, still voice of the Spirit said, "Don't look back at Egypt."
I never thought of my house on the east side of town as Egypt, and it wasn't because God was there. But when He directed us to pack up and follow Him, that home became our Egypt. Nothing wrong with it, but it was time to move on.
The wilderness is where God was and the Israelites didn't get it. They saw the cloud by day and the fire by night and still didn't understand. They were on their way to the Promised Land but looking backwards and not recognizing Who was leading them kept them in the wilderness 40 years longer than necessary.
I'm not looking back any more. If God's in the wilderness, then that's where I want to be. I don't know what the Promised Land is, but as long as He's leading, that's where I'll end up. It's not really about the destination anyway. It's about the journey.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Gifts
You have a gift. I have a gift. Are we using our gifts?
I've known for years of a gift God gave me, and for a long time I've wanted to use it. But I'm not. I've talked to God about this a lot but didn't receive an answer until yesterday.
Many years ago I painted. Due to circumstances I stopped painting. A few years ago I tried to paint again. Nothing! The "Painting Grace" was gone.
I started writing fiction. I wrote and published a novel. I wrote 2 1/2 more novels and stopped for two reasons. One, we sold our house and moved and then I had knee surgery. All from December through the summer. The second reason: an agent told me my work was good but not great.
During those months when circumstances and stress closed down the "Writing Grace," I learned so much. Mostly about God and His care for me. Somehow I was able to let Him carry everything.
I have begun a new novel and it's a hard one. Hard because it's historical fiction based on real events and real people. I'm not sure I can write this. If I do, I will have to have a double portion of "Writing Grace."
So what did I learn about my gift?
Character has to be matured before the gift can be used. Moses had a gift from God. He tried to use it too soon. When God eventually came to him and told him it was time to use that gift, Moses didn't want to any longer. But he did--and how? With the power and grace of God.
I'm not using my gift and it's all right because I know I'm not ready. The time will come and when it does, I won't even care any longer because I'll know it is not me but God through me bringing forth His gifting.
Same with this new novel. If it happens, it will be because of Him, not me. And I won't care either way. Now that's rest.
I've known for years of a gift God gave me, and for a long time I've wanted to use it. But I'm not. I've talked to God about this a lot but didn't receive an answer until yesterday.
Many years ago I painted. Due to circumstances I stopped painting. A few years ago I tried to paint again. Nothing! The "Painting Grace" was gone.
I started writing fiction. I wrote and published a novel. I wrote 2 1/2 more novels and stopped for two reasons. One, we sold our house and moved and then I had knee surgery. All from December through the summer. The second reason: an agent told me my work was good but not great.
During those months when circumstances and stress closed down the "Writing Grace," I learned so much. Mostly about God and His care for me. Somehow I was able to let Him carry everything.
I have begun a new novel and it's a hard one. Hard because it's historical fiction based on real events and real people. I'm not sure I can write this. If I do, I will have to have a double portion of "Writing Grace."
So what did I learn about my gift?
Character has to be matured before the gift can be used. Moses had a gift from God. He tried to use it too soon. When God eventually came to him and told him it was time to use that gift, Moses didn't want to any longer. But he did--and how? With the power and grace of God.
I'm not using my gift and it's all right because I know I'm not ready. The time will come and when it does, I won't even care any longer because I'll know it is not me but God through me bringing forth His gifting.
Same with this new novel. If it happens, it will be because of Him, not me. And I won't care either way. Now that's rest.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Monday, October 4, 2010
God Winked
Nothing is more exciting than to have God put something together for you that you don't expect. Can't you see Him making His plan? While He is hard at work on it, He must be thinking--"She's going to be so surprised. I can hardly wait to see her face when it happens."
The morning of the Big Surprise, as you pray, He puts His Heavenly Arm around your shoulder and says, "You go about your day. I'll be right here with you." Then He winks.
A wink tells you He has something up His sleeve, so to speak. But you don't think anything about it. You have a busy day and have to get started on it. One thing after another--all day long. Then, when you least expect it, there it is.
The surprise.
It's something you never prayed for or dreamed would happen, but it's wonderful. You look up at Him to thank Him, and He does it again. He smiles, then laughs and winks. "Gotcha!"
That happened to me Sunday and I learned something I'd never knew about God. Besides being the Mighty Creator, He's got a great sense of humor.
The morning of the Big Surprise, as you pray, He puts His Heavenly Arm around your shoulder and says, "You go about your day. I'll be right here with you." Then He winks.
A wink tells you He has something up His sleeve, so to speak. But you don't think anything about it. You have a busy day and have to get started on it. One thing after another--all day long. Then, when you least expect it, there it is.
The surprise.
It's something you never prayed for or dreamed would happen, but it's wonderful. You look up at Him to thank Him, and He does it again. He smiles, then laughs and winks. "Gotcha!"
That happened to me Sunday and I learned something I'd never knew about God. Besides being the Mighty Creator, He's got a great sense of humor.
Sunday, September 26, 2010
I'm Off-Balance
The thoughts are coming fast right now. I don't know what's up but I'm going with it.
When I went to bed last night, I had a heaviness to pray, but did I get up and go do it? No. I've had such trouble sleeping lately that I don't want anything to interfere. The days following sleepless nights leave me tired and grumpy. So I stayed in bed and prayed--but it wasn't the same as it would have been if I had gone into another bedroom, gotten down on my knees and prayed. Finally the heaviness left me and I still didn't go to sleep until 2 AM.
I'm so hungry for Jesus right now. I remember having this kind of hunger in 1971 when I met Him for the first time. I spent every free moment praying and reading the Bible. I couldn't get enough.
Although I'm that hungry again there is also a malaise in me. Why bother? I'm stuck in a place where I don't know anyone who believes like I do or talks about spiritual things or desires to pray together in the Spirit or allow the gifts of the Spirit to freely move. I ask God all the time if I'm the one who is wrong or out of place. I know I need to listen to the Spirit within me and take time to pray more than I have been doing. I talk to God all the time and I do pray, but I don't go away like Jesus did--get away and commune with my Father.
I love the church we are in. I love the people and love their pure hearts. So it isn't like I want to move or leave. I see that many of the people are wanting more. In fact I believe there's a move of Spirit in this fellowship, and I don't want to miss it.
Perhaps that's what I'm feeling--change. And change always leaves us off balance. Come on, Lord. Lead us into the new place.
When I went to bed last night, I had a heaviness to pray, but did I get up and go do it? No. I've had such trouble sleeping lately that I don't want anything to interfere. The days following sleepless nights leave me tired and grumpy. So I stayed in bed and prayed--but it wasn't the same as it would have been if I had gone into another bedroom, gotten down on my knees and prayed. Finally the heaviness left me and I still didn't go to sleep until 2 AM.
I'm so hungry for Jesus right now. I remember having this kind of hunger in 1971 when I met Him for the first time. I spent every free moment praying and reading the Bible. I couldn't get enough.
Although I'm that hungry again there is also a malaise in me. Why bother? I'm stuck in a place where I don't know anyone who believes like I do or talks about spiritual things or desires to pray together in the Spirit or allow the gifts of the Spirit to freely move. I ask God all the time if I'm the one who is wrong or out of place. I know I need to listen to the Spirit within me and take time to pray more than I have been doing. I talk to God all the time and I do pray, but I don't go away like Jesus did--get away and commune with my Father.
I love the church we are in. I love the people and love their pure hearts. So it isn't like I want to move or leave. I see that many of the people are wanting more. In fact I believe there's a move of Spirit in this fellowship, and I don't want to miss it.
Perhaps that's what I'm feeling--change. And change always leaves us off balance. Come on, Lord. Lead us into the new place.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
Fall Musings
Beautiful fall day here in New Mexico. The front and back doors are open, I've decorated the front porch and the house with fall colors, scarecrows, etc. I'll leave all this up until time for Christmas decorations. Even if no one comes to the house, we can enjoy it.
The Balloon Fiesta begins the first weekend in October. If the fall weather holds, it will be a huge success. If you've never been in Albuquerque and seen hundreds of colorful balloons rise around you and into the bluest sky in the world, you've missed something wonderful. One of our neighbors is a balloonist. He's out this morning with two chase vans getting his balloon(s) ready to fly. I imagine we'll be seeing a lot of balloons up this next week getting ready for the fiesta.
If you ever have the opportunity to take a little trip, make it to Albuquerque during the first two weeks in October. The weather, the balloons, Old Town and the great places to eat make for a vacation to remember.
I guess you can tell I'm sold on where we live. I love all of it. I may complain about a few things here and there, but I know we are where we are supposed to be. If for no other reason than to plant seeds. Isn't that what we're to be doing wherever we are?
Another great reason, or reasons, to be here are 5 grandchildren. We are within a 10 minute walk to their house. Seeing them grow up is a blessing. But not being able to see all 13 grands and the 1 great grand is frustrating. Why do people move so far away from family all the time? Back in the "day" families lived in the same area all their lives. They were able to know their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents because they all got together every holiday.
Although that's great, I wouldn't trade living back in the "day" with now. I like all the modern conveniences: the Internet, television, washing machines and dryers, daily showers, cell phones, automobiles, restaurants. However, I'm planning a book I want to write that's set in the 1700s, and I don't know much about that time period. Thank goodness for the Internet. It will save me a trip to the library and reading numerous books to get my information. However, with our busy schedule, who knows when I'll get it done.
Happy Fall Day to you all. Enjoy God's blessings today and come visit the Balloon Fiesta sometime. We have a spare bedroom ready for you.
The Balloon Fiesta begins the first weekend in October. If the fall weather holds, it will be a huge success. If you've never been in Albuquerque and seen hundreds of colorful balloons rise around you and into the bluest sky in the world, you've missed something wonderful. One of our neighbors is a balloonist. He's out this morning with two chase vans getting his balloon(s) ready to fly. I imagine we'll be seeing a lot of balloons up this next week getting ready for the fiesta.
If you ever have the opportunity to take a little trip, make it to Albuquerque during the first two weeks in October. The weather, the balloons, Old Town and the great places to eat make for a vacation to remember.
I guess you can tell I'm sold on where we live. I love all of it. I may complain about a few things here and there, but I know we are where we are supposed to be. If for no other reason than to plant seeds. Isn't that what we're to be doing wherever we are?
Another great reason, or reasons, to be here are 5 grandchildren. We are within a 10 minute walk to their house. Seeing them grow up is a blessing. But not being able to see all 13 grands and the 1 great grand is frustrating. Why do people move so far away from family all the time? Back in the "day" families lived in the same area all their lives. They were able to know their cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents because they all got together every holiday.
Although that's great, I wouldn't trade living back in the "day" with now. I like all the modern conveniences: the Internet, television, washing machines and dryers, daily showers, cell phones, automobiles, restaurants. However, I'm planning a book I want to write that's set in the 1700s, and I don't know much about that time period. Thank goodness for the Internet. It will save me a trip to the library and reading numerous books to get my information. However, with our busy schedule, who knows when I'll get it done.
Happy Fall Day to you all. Enjoy God's blessings today and come visit the Balloon Fiesta sometime. We have a spare bedroom ready for you.
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