Musings

Here I sit in the middle of the night not sleeping AGAIN! I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the nap I took today or the Frito pie and watermelon I ate at our life group. Or maybe it's the upcoming surgery. Since I'm awake I will share some thoughts that are rolling round in my head.

I love my church family. I'm sad for them because we're going through some unsettling times in our church. I think we are looking at the temporal instead of the heavenly. All I want for myself is to know Jesus, and that's what I wish for everyone. If He is first in our lives and in our desires, everything will fall into place. But is He? I don't know.

We have a good friend who is now going to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life. He and his wife have some big adjustments to make. They've lost control of their lives. But did they ever have control really? We think we do, don't we? Since January I have realized what I thought was control was anything but. If I don't have control, then who does? I like to think it's God who's in control of my life. But I'm not even sure of that any more. I am sure of this: I give Him control. And if something happens that is catastrophic, then I ask Him to get me through it.

I have to admit I'm a little anxious about putting myself in the hands of men and women I don't really know. They'll give me drugs that will put me out so some more of them can cut my leg apart and insert some metal. I won't know what's happening and I'll be totally at their mercy. But mostly at God's mercy.

Youngest Daughter called today and said she wondered if she should be watching her mail box for my "good bye letter." I told her she can relax. I didn't write any. I've written a few good bye letters in the past. I wrote one to both daughters a couple of times when I took off in my car to drive somewhere and when I flew across the ocean the first time. When I got back home safely, I threw them away. No letters this time.

Something else happened today that seems a little silly. We have a couple who are our close friends. They didn't show up at church, which was unusual. I sent him a text about where we and another couple were going for lunch and asked if they'd join us. I got no answer. After church I called his cell phone. He's is NEVER without his I-phone. No answer. I called their house. No answer. I called her phone. No answer. I called his phone again and left a message.

My mind went into the What If Mother Mode. Maybe one of them had gotten sick and they were both at the hospital where they couldn't use their phones. Or they'd had a wreck on the way to church. Or something had happened to one of their children and they took off for Texas and were in a cell phone dead zone. Seriously. I was worried. My girls and my brother will attest to how my mind goes into a scary place when I can't get in touch with them. And it happened with my friends. I was just about to call one of their daughters when he FINALLY called and put my mind at rest.

I care about those I'm close to. I worry and know that's a sin. I tell myself I'm not going to do that, but out of nowhere my mind goes berserk. I don't really expect my friends to tell me every time they don't do what I think they're going to do, but this time the Sin of Worry demon got to me. I apologize to them right here and hope I don't do that to them any more. However, I will ask that they just ANSWER THEIR PHONE!

I read this on a blog today: Here is God's secret to spiritual strength: "Quietness and confidence shall be your strength." The word for quietness in Hebrew means "repose." And repose means calm, relaxed, free from all anxiety; to be still, to lie down with support underneath. God help me do this!!!

What did we do before we had instant communication? We called back or let it go. I can tell you this. I'm grateful we didn't have cell phones when I was growing up. My mother would have been calling every hour.

Now I see it. I have become my mother!

Plan B and the Knee

I've been thinking about what to write all day. A few ideas have come and gone. What really perturbs me is the total lack of creativeness since all I can think of is this stupid knee!

This morning I tried to dust. I had no idea how much I use my knees to dust! I did a room or two and will save the rest for later.

Next Tuesday is Knee Day. I will have a total replacement. Months of rehab then I will be back to normal. I'm not sure I know how to walk normally any more. Surely that knowledge doesn't go away in just 4 1/2 months.

The book I'm reading now is by Pete Wilson, the pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville. It's titled "Plan B" and subtitled "What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" A shorter subtitle is "What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you thought?"

I am grateful to my cousin's daughter who turned me on to this book, and I'm grateful to Pete for writing it. Most of all I'm grateful to the Holy Spirit who gave the words and thoughts for this book and somehow had it on the shelf at Border's when I looked for it. Why? Because I'm living in Plan B and have been for a long time only I didn't know it. This book tells me how to do it.

On the first page Pete sends this book out to those "who choose to believe in the midst of their Plan B that one day faith will win over doubt, light will win over darkness, love will win over hate, and all things will be redeemed and exist the way they should."

I'm not even sure what Plan A was any more. I expected to be in a different place than I am today. I expected my children to be in a different place. What I found out was that all my expectations don't matter a hoot when life gets going. How can one child meet the expectations and the other child be so far from them? How can a few years and some serious road blocks change a person's life?

I have many more questions today than I have answers. It used to be the other way. I had many answers and few questions. But those answers I was so sure of have fizzled. I'm only sure of one thing.

Jesus.

Without knowing Him and that I'm now in God's family because of Him, I'd never make it through this day and into the next.

Years ago, after leaving Plan A and not knowing if there was a Plan B, Jesus told me, "I'll never leave you or forsake you." In fact, while I was in the darkness between the Plans, He was there with me. I didn't know it then, but after what He said, now I know He's with me in this place, too. And wherever it leads.

I haven't had surgery since 1978. I didn't think about dying back then. Now I do. What if I don't wake up this time? I expect to wake up, but what if I don't? Where will I be? I think the scripture teaches that we sleep and wake up when Jesus returns. I don't like that--years, centuries of being nowhere? But time to God is nothing. If we die and sleep, we don't remember sleeping and being nowhere because in the instant between death and awaking in His Presence, it is that--an instant. And maybe we go straight to be with Him. Whatever He decides is all right with me.

Okay. I think I'll be all right. If I didn't think that, I'd be writing last letters to everyone I love. If you don't get one from me and I don't wake up, I want you to know I love you and am thankful you were in my life. But I'll wake up and have to go on living in Plan B, which, by the way, hasn't been all that bad so far.

In a couple of weeks I'll limp into the office and send out an email telling you all about my new knee and rehab and what it was like being in the hospital. At least it will give me something to write about. The next thing I want to do is get back into the writing mode. Surely all those books haven't gone by the wayside?

I'll let you know.