Night Musing

I am sitting here in the dead of night writing a blog when I should be sleeping. Aches and pains and who knows what else are keeping me awake.

I see the orthopedist tomorrow. That means I'm one day closer to getting the knee fixed. Today was one of the hardest I've had since all this began four months ago. Slow, painful, short steps. Leaning on my cane. Exhausting. I am sure surgery isn't a piece of cake but getting a knee replacement will mean some day being able to walk without pain.

When I start to feel sorry for myself, like right now, I have to remember how minuscule my problem is. Many people are battling cancer. Some are facing a lifetime in a wheelchair. Lots of worse things than knee pain.

I've asked God over and over what it is I'm supposed to be learning in this. Patience? I'm all right with that but I'm not sure I'm any more patient than I ever was.

I'm thinking the main thing I've learned is this. We may think we have control over our lives but we don't. The only part of control we have is our reaction to what happens in our lives.

A two year old says, "I can do it myself." And that's the way I've been. Hands on hips, jaw jutted out, lips pressed together. "I don't need any help because I can take care of myself." Well, think again, Me. You can't.

I have learned how to ask for help and gratefully take it. This morning a young kid who had been outside the church with a friend riding their skateboards stopped and opened the door for me. I profusely thanked him. That's just one instance of how courteous people have been as I struggle to walk. I will never again complain about the slowness of old people who are moving as fast as they can in front of me and stopping my forward motion. I think, if I can, I'll pick them up and carry them just like I sometimes wish someone would do for me. But they'd probably do exactly what I'd do in that situation. "Thanks, but I can do it." And one way or another we do manage on our own. Not always fast, but we figure out a way.

I can walk with my cane and with pain. I'll get there eventually, but if someone wants to help, I'll gladly step aside and let them. I'm so blessed to have a husband who is not only willing but anxious to do things for me. All I have to do is ask.

Is God that way, too? Is he willing and anxious to answer our prayers when we find out we are helpless to do whatever it is by ourselves? Is the only thing we have to do is ask? I think so. Instead of asking for healing, my prayer has been for the grace to go through whatever I have to go through. The second part of that prayer is that God will teach me something while I'm in it and change me into His image.

I don't see any sign that I'm different yet, but my trust is in Him that somehow, He will do it. I think there's a scripture that says something about when he chooses us for a good work we can trust Him to finish it. If it wasn't so dark I'd look it up. Guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. Right now I'm going back to bed.

Beautiful Pictures

I'm stealing another wise saying from a Facebook friend:

Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room...So if you see darkness in your life be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared.

The past few months have been dark. Somewhere in that darkness I lost the woman I think I was. I haven't found her,and I'm waiting to see what the darkness brings forth. Someone near and dear to me says we will be better for what we've been through. I am trying to believe him.

Many people are wading through dark times. My prayer is that they, too, will believe a beautiful picture is being prepared for them.

As for God's timing in the darkness. . .we have no way of figuring that out. All we can do is grab hold of Faith and not let go.

You Never Know

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Wow! So true.

I read this on a friend's Facebook page today and it got me thinking.

You never know how much you love someone until they aren't around any longer.

You never know what God means to you until He seems to move away.

You never know where you'll end up until you end up there.

You never know what being able to walk means until you can't walk.

You never know the importance of sunlight in your life until the clouds take it away.

You never know . . .

What is it you never know?

Love

I'm overcome with the emotion of love today.

We love things, or say we do, like chocolate and sunrises and flowers. But those fade into nothingness when we measure them against the people we love. Nothing equals that kind of love. Miles can't separate us from that love. When I leave my daughter, son-in-law and grandson, my love for them is as strong at home as it is in their presence.

God gave us this emotion. He shared His love with us first. He loves us as much from His home in Heaven as when He was here on earth in the body of Jesus. Can you imagine what it will be like to be with Him and share that love every day?

I don't know what Heaven will be like where love is concerned. I hope we know our families in Heaven because I don't want to lose the love we have for each other. Surely we won't. I'm sure we'll be swimming in love there but I can't imagine loving people I've never known as much as I love my family.

One thing about finally being there with all our loved ones -- we won't experience the pain of separation any more. When I leave these three people, I leave a little of my heart with them.

A couple of years ago my two daughters and I went to Hawaii together. We decided we'd take some kind of trip together every year. But circumstances changed and that hasn't happened. Unless another circumstance changes it will never happen again. I'm thankful for that trip. The memory of spending a week with the two people I love most in the world will never leave me, but the ache of perhaps never being able to do it again doesn't leave either.

Time passes. Lives change, but love lives on.

Hanging On to Him

Seems many people have serious things going on in their lives--more than usual. I've whined and complained about the pain in my knee and joints but that's nothing compared to what some other people are going through.

We heard about an old friend this morning who has been seriously injured by one of his longhorn cows. He's in ICU now, his wife and daughters standing by hoping to hear that he will live and be able to walk again. All three of his daughters have MS, some in very early stages. That's much worse than knee pain.

Another friend has a daughter who has something in her brain that causes severe facial pain all the time. She's had surgery and there's hope they have helped her.

Alcohol addiction and depression are problems some others we know face. The people who have this have husbands and wives and children who love them and count on them to pull out of it. But many won't.

We've been in a place where we've had to watch a lot of Fox News in the past two days. The oil spill, Joren Van Der Sloop, elections, Blagovitch, Israel and Palestine--and much more fill the air waves. None of it is positive, of course. Seems all we hear is about the ills of the world. That's why our souls cry out for salvation.

Is Jesus really going to come back and end this world? Christians have been looking for His return since He left. Many have died waiting. Will I die waiting, too?
I may, but until I do, I'm going to hand on to Him.

Hang on with me and pray for those who don't know Him yet, to meet Him. He is all that will get us through.