Mondays and Fears

I love Monday mornings now. I'm not sure I was so fond of them when I worked, but today I love them because they represent a new week, time to get organized and do the laundry. I really like doing laundry and wish I could hang my clothes outside like in the "good old days." Of course, when I used to have to hang them out in the winter in Amarillo, Plainview, Lubbock and El Paso, I wished for a dryer.
By the time I lived in Beaumont I had a dryer and have never had a clothesline since then.

This morning I filed all the junk that had piled up on the filing cabinet, copied photos for the ancestry albums, read emails and Facebook--all while my clothes are busily washing and drying on their own.

I'm taking an on line class called "Surviving Trauma." One of the lessons has been about cues. Cues come out of the blue after some kind of traumatic event. After 9/11 some people had these cues when they saw American Airlines planes in the air days or months later. Reading about cues gave me pause.

Years ago we went to church three times or more a week. Rather than enjoying the experience, much of the time it was out of legalism and a desire to please. For years since then I have dreaded Sundays, and sometimes still do. I've wondered why and now believe the feeling is a cue based on my past church experience. Knowing why and staring it in the face just may be the way I'll get past this "trauma."

I had another traumatic experience from 1990 until 1993. My mother's dementia made it impossible for her to live alone. She couldn't come live with us because we had our daughter and grandson living there, plus the fact that no one was at home during the day. Not having funds for anything else, I had to put her into a nursing home. She had always said she didn't want to go to one, as we all say, and moving here there was the hardest thing I ever had to do. She'd only been in that place for three months when she fell and broke her hip. She never really recovered and was in a wheel chair thereafter.

Teaching middle school is exhausting on a good day, and on many of those days I'd go see her after school. She hardly recognized me and only wanted to pull herself around in her chair. After standing all day, following her around was more than I could do. Week ends were busy but I managed to go see her then.

I need quiet and solitude to revitalize. However, with a young boy, my daughter and a husband who needed quiet himself, I found that I had no place in my house where I could go to be alone. Many week end days I got into my van and went away, found a place to park and just sat in the quiet of my vehicle.

As my mother grew worse, and my energy lessened, I had more and more guilt about not seeing her as often as I should. What could I do? I was at the end of myself.

When Mother died, I never went back into that nursing home or in any others. Thinking about entering one grabs me in the pit of my stomach and almost makes me sick.

I have known for a long time that fear has been one of my biggest enemies and has kept me from doing some things that I should have. I've prayed, of course, and just last Saturday I told God I wanted him to heal me of these fears that have held me back. Maybe what happened is an answer to that prayer.

My husband was asked to deliver an inspirational message on a Sunday this month at a nursing home. I know I could tell him I won't go because of never wanting to go into a nursing home again. He doesn't need me there and no one will be expecting me, but I imagine he'd like for me to go with him. However, could this be God's way of setting me free from my "nursing home phobia?"

I'm looking at it but haven't made a decision. I've never been a person who wouldn't face a hard place, except in this case. Or maybe in more cases than I know.

I think I'm almost afraid to ask God for his direction for "fear" that he will tell me. One scripture comes to mind, a word that he has given me over and over. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." If I go, I know he'll be with me because he's already there. He'll still be with me if I don't. But if that's my decision, I just might miss a very big blessing.

Ifs, Ands, and Buts

I think I've read the funnies in the paper every day of my life. I still read them although the Albuquerque Journal's funnies aren't as good as those in the Tulsa World. The Journal has one page, the World has two. One of my favorites is Pickles. Today Mrs. Pickles tells her husband, "Did you ever stop and think that in the middle of the word Life is the word If? That means that life is full of ifs. Life would be pretty dull without any ifs, don't you think?" He answers, "Not if there were still lots of ands or buts."

This really struck a chord with me. We spend so much of our time thinking about the ifs of life rather than the ands and buts. If only I had done so and so, BUT even though I didn't do that, this happened instead AND I saw God at work in my life. Many times what happened instead was every bit as good as what would have happened "if."

One of my blog buddies is fighting a battle with food. She had weight loss surgery some time ago and is having to keep her eye on the goal of eating right and losing weight every day of her life. Recently she must have fallen off the wagon a bit. Then she got sick and lost ten pounds. This illness jump-started her back on the path to her life goal. She wrote: "It is up to me to rely on God by asking him to keep my emotional eating and my emotional warfare (guilt, rationalizing, giving in, etc) in tact. Only he can do it! Control by my own means is only an illusion. I lose every time."

Such wisdom. When we think we have control of anything in our lives, we lose every time. All right, I know I can control my diet if I try. I can control my tongue if I try. I can control a few things, but it's all an illusion. When I put myself in the driver's seat to make me into the kind of person I want to be, I will fail. God has to have the controls and I have to lean on him.

Another blogger friend wrote about her son who submitted an application to the counselor to become one of the peer mediators this year at his school. She writes: "The application was pretty long and required a recommendation from 2 teachers at the school. He's required to attend an all day mediation class sometime in the next couple of weeks. It might be wishful thinking but I'm hoping he can apply some of those precious peace making skills at home with his sister."

Does this sound like us, too? I know a lot of answers on how to behave and think and feel, and if you ask me, I will share them with you. But when it comes to making them work in my own life. . . Do they?

A bumper sticker on the back of a Prius yesterday read "Fearful people do stupid things." I think this was a peacenik person, but the words rang true for me. I have blogged about my fears before, which are still many although God has been working with me on them for years. I fear and then I do something stupid. Then I fear even more and do something even more stupid. Where is the leaning on Jesus in this? Where is the letting God be in control? I fear BUT God is with me. I fear AND God brings me through.

If you have one of these problems like I do, I pray we can give up the ifs and rest on the ands and buts more. Jesus take the wheel!

Fear Not

Where does fear come from? Are we all born with it? Is it learned? Is there anyone who has no fear at all?

I know of a man, Dick Mills, who used to have a ministry of speaking scriptures to people. His was a prophetic ministry and God must have been his source. I went to a meeting on June 5, 1974, where he spoke to every person there and gave them scriptures that had meaning in their lives.

I could hardly wait to hear what God wanted to say to me and was disappointed when four scriptures about fear were given. All were positive "fear nots." After the meeting with my scripture references in hand, I went to my Bible and read each of them. I probably even told God he must have gotten them wrong. Days went by and I began to see the truth. I was filled to running over with fear.

Last night I thought about my fears that are still with me. My husband went for a stress test this morning. His sister died doing one but a cardiologist was present and she was revived. Husband has a heart problem and says he has already out-lived all the men in his family. When asked how long he thought he would live, he gave the age of 78 which is only a few years away. I've been widowed before and I don't look forward to that. Neither do I look forward to leaving him behind. Fears.

My daughters are adults but I had fears all their lives that they would die. I didn't voice them and tried not to think of that because my mother told me never to say, "If so-and-so died, I couldn't stand it." She said that about one of her brothers who later died.

I have fears concerning our country now that the liberals are in power. It isn't about liberal verses conservative. To me it's about freedom verses big government running our lives. It's about Jesus becoming marginalized. It's about seeing my self-employed son-in-law forced out of business by government regulations and taxes. It's about my grandson and daughter unable to get jobs because they aren't college trained. It's about socialized medicine and higher taxes and people being in charge who love the rest of the world more than they love their own country.

And, yes, I still have fear about losing the people I love, about not being able to care for myself in my old age. I go to those scriptures over and over: Deut. 31:6,8; 2 Tim. 1:7; John 6:20; and Isaiah 41:10,13--"Fear not, for I am with you. Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand saying to you, 'Fear not, I will help you." A few years later I needed those words as I had never needed any before. Faithful as always, God added to them. "I will never leave you nor forsake you." (Heb. 13:5)

He never has. His words should eliminate all my fears. They do help when I look to Him and read those promises. But fear never completely leaves me. Maybe it isn't supposed to. If it did, would I turn to Him as often? Would I be as vigilant of life around me? For these reasons perhaps fear has a place in our lives.

Letting Go

Ever hear a word or a phrase in your mind, one that seems to come out of nowhere? It usually comes when there isn't alot of "mind noise" going on. Like when we're quiet during our day or when we wake up or just before we go to sleep.

For the past few days I've been hearing "Let go."

I remember a phrase I heard a long time ago, "Let go and let God." Is this that? Or is this just plain old "let go" of something I'm holding on to?

One of those beautiful emails came yesterday--pictures, music, wise sayings--and two stood out to me. "Sometimes in the winds of change we find our true direction." The other: "Change your thoughts and change your world." Norman Vincent Peale said the second one.

I feel the winds of change--in our country, in the world, in the lives of people I love, and in my own life. The winds have been blowing pretty hard, at times knocking me off my feet. Thoughts swirling around in my mind. Fear. Regret. Sadness. And fatigue. Pure-d old tiredness. (Remember when we used to say pure-d? I have no idea how we spelled it.)

"Let go" makes alot of sense when I put it together with those thoughts. Changing them isn't easy, but I remember making a list a long time ago. On a grid I wrote down every negative thing in my life and balanced it with something positive. For years, every time I had a negative thought I'd replace it with a positive (i.e. Thank God all my fingers work right.)

When I read that the winds of change lead to a true direction, a flame of hope burns in my heart. The trees are thick in my forest, and I can't see beyond them right now. But maybe out there on the other side is a cool lake, a vast flower-filled meadow, something I've never imagined possible. That's faith to me, believing Someone bigger than I am has everything in His hands and is helping me to "let it all go."