Musings

Here I sit in the middle of the night not sleeping AGAIN! I'm not sure why. Maybe it was the nap I took today or the Frito pie and watermelon I ate at our life group. Or maybe it's the upcoming surgery. Since I'm awake I will share some thoughts that are rolling round in my head.

I love my church family. I'm sad for them because we're going through some unsettling times in our church. I think we are looking at the temporal instead of the heavenly. All I want for myself is to know Jesus, and that's what I wish for everyone. If He is first in our lives and in our desires, everything will fall into place. But is He? I don't know.

We have a good friend who is now going to be in a wheelchair the rest of his life. He and his wife have some big adjustments to make. They've lost control of their lives. But did they ever have control really? We think we do, don't we? Since January I have realized what I thought was control was anything but. If I don't have control, then who does? I like to think it's God who's in control of my life. But I'm not even sure of that any more. I am sure of this: I give Him control. And if something happens that is catastrophic, then I ask Him to get me through it.

I have to admit I'm a little anxious about putting myself in the hands of men and women I don't really know. They'll give me drugs that will put me out so some more of them can cut my leg apart and insert some metal. I won't know what's happening and I'll be totally at their mercy. But mostly at God's mercy.

Youngest Daughter called today and said she wondered if she should be watching her mail box for my "good bye letter." I told her she can relax. I didn't write any. I've written a few good bye letters in the past. I wrote one to both daughters a couple of times when I took off in my car to drive somewhere and when I flew across the ocean the first time. When I got back home safely, I threw them away. No letters this time.

Something else happened today that seems a little silly. We have a couple who are our close friends. They didn't show up at church, which was unusual. I sent him a text about where we and another couple were going for lunch and asked if they'd join us. I got no answer. After church I called his cell phone. He's is NEVER without his I-phone. No answer. I called their house. No answer. I called her phone. No answer. I called his phone again and left a message.

My mind went into the What If Mother Mode. Maybe one of them had gotten sick and they were both at the hospital where they couldn't use their phones. Or they'd had a wreck on the way to church. Or something had happened to one of their children and they took off for Texas and were in a cell phone dead zone. Seriously. I was worried. My girls and my brother will attest to how my mind goes into a scary place when I can't get in touch with them. And it happened with my friends. I was just about to call one of their daughters when he FINALLY called and put my mind at rest.

I care about those I'm close to. I worry and know that's a sin. I tell myself I'm not going to do that, but out of nowhere my mind goes berserk. I don't really expect my friends to tell me every time they don't do what I think they're going to do, but this time the Sin of Worry demon got to me. I apologize to them right here and hope I don't do that to them any more. However, I will ask that they just ANSWER THEIR PHONE!

I read this on a blog today: Here is God's secret to spiritual strength: "Quietness and confidence shall be your strength." The word for quietness in Hebrew means "repose." And repose means calm, relaxed, free from all anxiety; to be still, to lie down with support underneath. God help me do this!!!

What did we do before we had instant communication? We called back or let it go. I can tell you this. I'm grateful we didn't have cell phones when I was growing up. My mother would have been calling every hour.

Now I see it. I have become my mother!

Plan B and the Knee

I've been thinking about what to write all day. A few ideas have come and gone. What really perturbs me is the total lack of creativeness since all I can think of is this stupid knee!

This morning I tried to dust. I had no idea how much I use my knees to dust! I did a room or two and will save the rest for later.

Next Tuesday is Knee Day. I will have a total replacement. Months of rehab then I will be back to normal. I'm not sure I know how to walk normally any more. Surely that knowledge doesn't go away in just 4 1/2 months.

The book I'm reading now is by Pete Wilson, the pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville. It's titled "Plan B" and subtitled "What Do You Do When God Doesn't Show Up The Way You Thought He Would?" A shorter subtitle is "What do you do when your life isn't turning out the way you thought?"

I am grateful to my cousin's daughter who turned me on to this book, and I'm grateful to Pete for writing it. Most of all I'm grateful to the Holy Spirit who gave the words and thoughts for this book and somehow had it on the shelf at Border's when I looked for it. Why? Because I'm living in Plan B and have been for a long time only I didn't know it. This book tells me how to do it.

On the first page Pete sends this book out to those "who choose to believe in the midst of their Plan B that one day faith will win over doubt, light will win over darkness, love will win over hate, and all things will be redeemed and exist the way they should."

I'm not even sure what Plan A was any more. I expected to be in a different place than I am today. I expected my children to be in a different place. What I found out was that all my expectations don't matter a hoot when life gets going. How can one child meet the expectations and the other child be so far from them? How can a few years and some serious road blocks change a person's life?

I have many more questions today than I have answers. It used to be the other way. I had many answers and few questions. But those answers I was so sure of have fizzled. I'm only sure of one thing.

Jesus.

Without knowing Him and that I'm now in God's family because of Him, I'd never make it through this day and into the next.

Years ago, after leaving Plan A and not knowing if there was a Plan B, Jesus told me, "I'll never leave you or forsake you." In fact, while I was in the darkness between the Plans, He was there with me. I didn't know it then, but after what He said, now I know He's with me in this place, too. And wherever it leads.

I haven't had surgery since 1978. I didn't think about dying back then. Now I do. What if I don't wake up this time? I expect to wake up, but what if I don't? Where will I be? I think the scripture teaches that we sleep and wake up when Jesus returns. I don't like that--years, centuries of being nowhere? But time to God is nothing. If we die and sleep, we don't remember sleeping and being nowhere because in the instant between death and awaking in His Presence, it is that--an instant. And maybe we go straight to be with Him. Whatever He decides is all right with me.

Okay. I think I'll be all right. If I didn't think that, I'd be writing last letters to everyone I love. If you don't get one from me and I don't wake up, I want you to know I love you and am thankful you were in my life. But I'll wake up and have to go on living in Plan B, which, by the way, hasn't been all that bad so far.

In a couple of weeks I'll limp into the office and send out an email telling you all about my new knee and rehab and what it was like being in the hospital. At least it will give me something to write about. The next thing I want to do is get back into the writing mode. Surely all those books haven't gone by the wayside?

I'll let you know.

Night Musing

I am sitting here in the dead of night writing a blog when I should be sleeping. Aches and pains and who knows what else are keeping me awake.

I see the orthopedist tomorrow. That means I'm one day closer to getting the knee fixed. Today was one of the hardest I've had since all this began four months ago. Slow, painful, short steps. Leaning on my cane. Exhausting. I am sure surgery isn't a piece of cake but getting a knee replacement will mean some day being able to walk without pain.

When I start to feel sorry for myself, like right now, I have to remember how minuscule my problem is. Many people are battling cancer. Some are facing a lifetime in a wheelchair. Lots of worse things than knee pain.

I've asked God over and over what it is I'm supposed to be learning in this. Patience? I'm all right with that but I'm not sure I'm any more patient than I ever was.

I'm thinking the main thing I've learned is this. We may think we have control over our lives but we don't. The only part of control we have is our reaction to what happens in our lives.

A two year old says, "I can do it myself." And that's the way I've been. Hands on hips, jaw jutted out, lips pressed together. "I don't need any help because I can take care of myself." Well, think again, Me. You can't.

I have learned how to ask for help and gratefully take it. This morning a young kid who had been outside the church with a friend riding their skateboards stopped and opened the door for me. I profusely thanked him. That's just one instance of how courteous people have been as I struggle to walk. I will never again complain about the slowness of old people who are moving as fast as they can in front of me and stopping my forward motion. I think, if I can, I'll pick them up and carry them just like I sometimes wish someone would do for me. But they'd probably do exactly what I'd do in that situation. "Thanks, but I can do it." And one way or another we do manage on our own. Not always fast, but we figure out a way.

I can walk with my cane and with pain. I'll get there eventually, but if someone wants to help, I'll gladly step aside and let them. I'm so blessed to have a husband who is not only willing but anxious to do things for me. All I have to do is ask.

Is God that way, too? Is he willing and anxious to answer our prayers when we find out we are helpless to do whatever it is by ourselves? Is the only thing we have to do is ask? I think so. Instead of asking for healing, my prayer has been for the grace to go through whatever I have to go through. The second part of that prayer is that God will teach me something while I'm in it and change me into His image.

I don't see any sign that I'm different yet, but my trust is in Him that somehow, He will do it. I think there's a scripture that says something about when he chooses us for a good work we can trust Him to finish it. If it wasn't so dark I'd look it up. Guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow. Right now I'm going back to bed.

Beautiful Pictures

I'm stealing another wise saying from a Facebook friend:

Beautiful pictures are developed from negatives in a dark room...So if you see darkness in your life be reassured that a beautiful picture is being prepared.

The past few months have been dark. Somewhere in that darkness I lost the woman I think I was. I haven't found her,and I'm waiting to see what the darkness brings forth. Someone near and dear to me says we will be better for what we've been through. I am trying to believe him.

Many people are wading through dark times. My prayer is that they, too, will believe a beautiful picture is being prepared for them.

As for God's timing in the darkness. . .we have no way of figuring that out. All we can do is grab hold of Faith and not let go.

You Never Know

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.
Wow! So true.

I read this on a friend's Facebook page today and it got me thinking.

You never know how much you love someone until they aren't around any longer.

You never know what God means to you until He seems to move away.

You never know where you'll end up until you end up there.

You never know what being able to walk means until you can't walk.

You never know the importance of sunlight in your life until the clouds take it away.

You never know . . .

What is it you never know?

Love

I'm overcome with the emotion of love today.

We love things, or say we do, like chocolate and sunrises and flowers. But those fade into nothingness when we measure them against the people we love. Nothing equals that kind of love. Miles can't separate us from that love. When I leave my daughter, son-in-law and grandson, my love for them is as strong at home as it is in their presence.

God gave us this emotion. He shared His love with us first. He loves us as much from His home in Heaven as when He was here on earth in the body of Jesus. Can you imagine what it will be like to be with Him and share that love every day?

I don't know what Heaven will be like where love is concerned. I hope we know our families in Heaven because I don't want to lose the love we have for each other. Surely we won't. I'm sure we'll be swimming in love there but I can't imagine loving people I've never known as much as I love my family.

One thing about finally being there with all our loved ones -- we won't experience the pain of separation any more. When I leave these three people, I leave a little of my heart with them.

A couple of years ago my two daughters and I went to Hawaii together. We decided we'd take some kind of trip together every year. But circumstances changed and that hasn't happened. Unless another circumstance changes it will never happen again. I'm thankful for that trip. The memory of spending a week with the two people I love most in the world will never leave me, but the ache of perhaps never being able to do it again doesn't leave either.

Time passes. Lives change, but love lives on.

Hanging On to Him

Seems many people have serious things going on in their lives--more than usual. I've whined and complained about the pain in my knee and joints but that's nothing compared to what some other people are going through.

We heard about an old friend this morning who has been seriously injured by one of his longhorn cows. He's in ICU now, his wife and daughters standing by hoping to hear that he will live and be able to walk again. All three of his daughters have MS, some in very early stages. That's much worse than knee pain.

Another friend has a daughter who has something in her brain that causes severe facial pain all the time. She's had surgery and there's hope they have helped her.

Alcohol addiction and depression are problems some others we know face. The people who have this have husbands and wives and children who love them and count on them to pull out of it. But many won't.

We've been in a place where we've had to watch a lot of Fox News in the past two days. The oil spill, Joren Van Der Sloop, elections, Blagovitch, Israel and Palestine--and much more fill the air waves. None of it is positive, of course. Seems all we hear is about the ills of the world. That's why our souls cry out for salvation.

Is Jesus really going to come back and end this world? Christians have been looking for His return since He left. Many have died waiting. Will I die waiting, too?
I may, but until I do, I'm going to hand on to Him.

Hang on with me and pray for those who don't know Him yet, to meet Him. He is all that will get us through.